Preface

you broke me first
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/26996962.

Rating:

General Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

Gen

Fandom:

Supernatural

Character:

Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

Additional Tags:

Angst, Broken Sam Winchester, Practical Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Is A Hero, Season/Series 04, Hurt Sam Winchester, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Baggage

Language:

English

Series:

Part 6 of Sam Whumpchester 🎃 Whumptober 2020

Collections:

Whumptober 2020

Stats:

Published: 2020-10-13 Words: 1,289 Chapters: 1/1

you broke me first

by fogsrollingin

Summary

Sam won't stop going after Lilith.

Notes

My next entry for Whumptober 2020! Prompts filled are No 12. “Broken Down” and No 13. “Oxygen Mask.”

Tumblr link.

See the end of the work for more notes

you broke me first

Dean approached the hospital bed Sam was sitting on. While he'd been futzing around in a crypt to neutralize the vengeful spirit, Sam had done everything in his power to get the inhabitants of the apartment building out before it was razed to the ground. He'd mostly succeeded. About ten other stupid, stubborn but alive people were being treated here with him. They'd all been carted to the town's tiny emergency clinic while Dean was driving over after having finished up salting and burning the remains.

There was one doctor and three nurses, all running around setting up oxygen and treating burns.

"Hey man, you okay?" He asked casually, coming up to his brother. Normally he'd be a little more solicitous, maybe put an arm around him. He was hunched over doing that thing he did to seem small, his face dark and grimy with soot, his suit fried, holding an oxygen mask to his face. But Dean didn't come that close, didn't make contact with him, because as pathetic as he looked Sam was still managing to glare at him.

"What?"

Sam scoffed and looked away, shaking his head.

Okay, so Dean knew "what." A lead on Lilith had fallen into their laps just when they had rolled into town and Sam had wanted to follow up on it immediately. Dean had pulled rank when he found out it'd been Ruby to give them the tip. So Sam sulked their whole way through the case.

It had been a pretty straightforward case. They hadn't hit a single snag except for the more recalcitrant apartment-dwellers. At every barrier they typically hit but didn't this time, it reminded them how Sam had argued this was an excellent case for beginners they should be outsourcing to other hunters even if they didn't have the tip on Lilith. It'd made Sam brood even more.

Dean sighed. "Look, we can go check out the Lilith thing now, okay?"

Sam scowled, eyes slitted with contempt with the slightest hint of despair.

"It's too late," Dean surmised. Sam nodded, looked at the floor. He pulled the end of his already-loosened tie and took it off. He still kept the oxygen mask on.

"It's not like that was our last shot, Sam. We'll get other tips on Lilith, more information. And from reliable sources this time," he added lowly.

Sam looked furious and huffed into the oxygen mask.

"Demons aren't reliable, Sam. If we'd gone and it'd been a trap we'd have no one to blame but ourselves for trusting Ruby's intel."

Sam pulled the oxygen mask down just the slightest bit. "She's different," he gritted out.

Dean shook his head, hands on his hips. “She’s not. She’s a demon. And your powers? They don't stem from some inexplicable, amoral source. You can't use power from that and think it'll lead to good."

"Killing Lilith is good," Sam wheezed, his eyes blazing.

"Yeah, but... Sam let's figure out a way to kill her that still keeps you human. Stop talking to Ruby. She's... corruptive, toxic. The more you train with her..." Dean trailed off. "She's breaking you."

Sam breathed heavily, emotions getting the better of him as Dean talked. Sam ripped the oxygen mask off and pushed his finger into Dean's chest.

“You broke me first,” Sam spat, his eyes blazing. There were tears in them too though.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nevermind," Sam replied caustically, putting the mask back on. Dean blinked at him, stunned but then regained his footing, his own temper flaring now.

"No, I wanna hear this. I broke you first? How'd I do that, huh Sam? How are you gonna blame me for this? I really gotta know."

“You made the deal in the first place, you died and went to hell." Sam paused and put the oxygen mask on to catch his breath. He breathed deeply.

"Exactly what kind of life did you expect I could lead after that? When I knew-"

"Same way I managed after Dad."

"No. We didn't know. And you still had me. It was different."

Dean pressed his lips together, skeptical.

"Did you know I begged a demon to go to hell?" Dean flinched with disgust at the notion. Sam nodded. "Yeah. In exchange for you. I'd go to hell, you'd come back. No ten years together like that demon offered you after Dad, just a straight trade."

"Sammy that is the stupidest thing you could've ever done," Dean whispered heatedly.

"Yes, it was," Sam nodded, calm again. "In the same way, I wasn't worth you going to hell. You weren't worth it when Dad went either."

Dean felt Sam's words like a punch.

"And that's because no one is worth stopping a soul making it peacefully up to heaven. So... fuck you,” Sam finished, voice scratchy and angry but eyes shining with emotion.

"Sam," Dean started but then the doctor came over. She startled them both. They coughed, wiped eyes, tried to act normal.

Harried, she didn't pick up on the tension between them and just barreled through a quick triage assessment and eventually gave Sam the clear to leave.

The brothers were quiet getting into the car, both stewing over what they'd said to each other. Dean couldn't stop thinking about Sam saying his father's and his trips to hell weren't worth it. Sam ruminated over Dean's point that his powers stemmed from pure evil.

Dean pulled up to their motel room. Neither made a move to go in.

"I don't get it," Dean said softly, almost to himself but it was obviously for Sam. "If our trips to hell weren't worth it, then in the same way why are you risking it now? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Sam breathed, tried to relax despite what he was about to admit. "If Ruby takes me to hell on a road of good intentions, so be it." He was a little surprised when a tear slid down his cheek. He wiped it off. "Dad went there, you went there..." He nodded with resolve, looking out the window at the cheesy cursive lettering of their motel sign at dusk. "I belong there too," he whispered.

"Sam, no-"

"Yes," Sam interrupted. He twisted to face his brother. "Dean, the day your body was torn apart by hellhounds was the day I lost whatever part of me you're looking for now."

"No. Ruby-"

"Ruby's not the issue!" Sam shot back, exasperated. "Now that I know I have powers, evil corruptive demonic powers though they may be, they can kill Lilith. And even if it means dying and going to hell, Ruby or no Ruby, I am going to pursue that."

Dean shrank in the driver's seat, defeated.

"Don't look like that," Sam snarled. "You and Dad made it clear this family's souls are cheaper than what I'm selling mine for, Dean. You both condemned yourselves for just one other soul. I'm just risking mine, and it's for you and billions of others. That's my consolation. It should be yours too."

They fell to silence. The impala ticked cool. Sam had spent so much energy trying to get his point across that he'd gotten dizzy. He shored up his reserves for whatever Dean was going to say next though.

"I hear you, Sammy," Dean breathed. He had a lot to think about so it was all he could give him. "I hear you."

Sam sighed, relieved. "I'm gonna need your help into the room," he confessed, opening the door.

Dean uttered something that sounded like "yeah" and came around to help. 

As they staggered in the dark, a line of warm contact between them, they weren't good but they were together. 

Afterword

End Notes

The angst really just punched outta me with this one (not altogether unaided by listening to the song You Broke Me First by Tate McRae), lol. Boy do I have Sam's back during season 4, sheesh 😂

If ye liked it, you might like this meta post I wrote about it too.

Thank you so much for reading, please kudos+comment+reblog+what-have-ye if you enjoyed! 💛🤗

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